


not touching you

by spritewrites (giggly__gay)



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Diego Hargreeves-centric, Family Bonding, Gen, Mischief, Road Trips, Tickling, diego gets his ass handed to him, diego suffers for his family, exists somewhere in the timeline after they stop the apocalypse where they're just chillin and happy, general assholery in diego's direction, lots of tickling, remember that one, that game sucks, the "i'm not touching you" game, this is a tickle fic ngl, which is exactly what he deserves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:22:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25768129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giggly__gay/pseuds/spritewrites
Summary: family bonding's great and all, but sometimes diego thinks that it comes at a pretty steep personal cost to him.namely, his dignity.and his nerves.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 120





	not touching you

“F-four!”

“I’m not _doing_ anything!”

“Y-yes you - _Mom_! Number Four’s d-d-doing it again!”

“No, I’m _not_!”

Grace didn’t even look up from where she was mending One’s mission suit. “Four, don’t poke your brother. You know he doesn’t like it.”

Four grinned widely. “But I’m not, see?” He hovered his index finger centimeters from Two’s shoulder. Two whined and tried to shove his hand away.

“S-stop it!”

“But I’m not _touching_ you!”

“Shut _up!_ ” groans Three, looking up from her book: _A History of Political Manipulation in America, Volume Two._ Even during their allotted free time, their father rarely allowed reading material that was not considered educational. “Or I’ll rumor you both to stay in your rooms for the rest of the night!”

“ _No!”_ shouted her brothers simultaneously, their eyes wide. Four carefully removed his arm from Two’s side, quietly scooting further away on the couch. Free time was more valuable than tormenting Two any day.

Two smiled, trying to hide his celebration at this small victory. He leaned to look over Mom’s shoulder at her stitching, marveling at the back and forth, back and forth of her needle. Every stitch was perfect. He sighed happily, resting his cheek on his hands. He could stay like this forever.

*

“Klaus, _enough.”_

“Sorry, jeez. Just trying to get comfortable.”

Diego slouched, pulling his elbows even closer into his chest. He hated the middle seat, but he hated losing to Klaus even more. He’d have to look up whether there were ways to cheat at rock paper scissors later.

“Are we there yet?”

He spun to glare at Klaus. “Did you seriously just –”

“Ten minutes,” called Vanya from the driver’s seat. “So, almost.”

Diego slouched even further, almost sliding off the car seat. “You’re acting like a child, Klaus.”

“How so? I’m just asking our lovely sister how much farther to our destination. Is that a crime?”

The sickly sweetness of Klaus’ smile was going to give Diego a toothache, he could feel it. He opened his mouth to respond, but his brother was already turning back to the window. Fine. Good. He might finally get some peace.

He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, listening to the trickle of faint music coming from Allison’s headphones on the other side of him. Five was in the front seat, feet up on the dashboard, reading _Infinite Jest_ of all things. Diego couldn’t understand the old man. He’d always preferred comic books. Luther was taking up the whole back row. Once they all started spending more time together, a minivan was quickly established as a necessity. And thank God they’d gone through with it – Diego wasn’t sure if he’d have been able to take much more of Luther’s wiggling around in the trunk, making the whole car shake. Not to mention his hot breath on the back of his neck. Yuck. With this setup, at least he got a little peace.

Well, in theory, anyway. His current situation was a little less than ideal, since he’d lost the fight for the window seat, Klaus seemed intent on making his life hell today (more than usual), and the half hour drive from their hotel to the Grand Canyon seemed like it was taking a million years. Allison’s suggestion for a family vacation had been a good one, initially, but Diego had forgotten exactly how tiresome his siblings could be over long stretches.

He felt the presence of something near his shoulder and snatched up Klaus’ outstretched index finger with vigilante reflexes. His brother’s mischievous grin made his blood boil.

“Would you stop?” he snapped, glaring at his brother.

“I’m not touching you.”

“Klaus.”

“I’m not touching you!”

“You _idiot_ –”

“Not really doing anything, as a matter of fact.”

“Asshole, I swear –”

“I can touch you if you want.” A wicked grin.

“God, I don’t even care anymore, just don’t –”

Like lightning, Klaus’ finger dodged under his elbow to land a poke right in the soft spot beneath his brother’s ribs, and honestly, calling the noise that Diego let out a ‘shout’ would be generous. ‘Squeak’ would probably be more accurate. Allison smothered a laugh into her hand, and Vanya shot a glance into the rearview mirror.

“Everything okay back there?” she asked, just as another poke found its way to Diego’s stomach. This time, ‘squeal’ would be a fair descriptor. Diego hunched forward, trying to curl up as best as he could – both to protect himself, and to hide the stubborn smile that was creeping over his face.

“ _Klaus_ ,” he tried again, but his voice sounded weak even to him, and he didn’t get any farther before he felt cold fingers scribbling over the back of his neck. He launched backwards, slamming his back into the seat to try to crush Klaus’ hand, but only succeeded in trapping the wiggling fingers there. A high-pitched giggle managed to leak between his gritted teeth. _Fuck._

“Aw, come on, Diego, you’re always so serious,” Klaus teased, moving back to poke at his brother’s side. Diego gasped, jerking away from the touch right into Allison’s lap.

Allison rolled her eyes, but Diego could also see her fighting a smile. “Guys, _honestly._ ”

“ _I’m_ not doing anything!” Diego protested. He swatted at Klaus’ hands, only barely managing to keep his relentless poking at bay. “He’s the one who’s being an asshole!”

“What are you _doing_ to him back there, Klaus?” Vanya asked, not taking her eyes off the road.

“Nothing!” Klaus responded cheekily, just as Diego replied, “He’s _torturing_ me!”

Allison sighed. “Klaus, if you’re going to torment our brother, at least do it right.” Carefully, she reached over with her long nails to tickle over Diego’s stomach.

Diego shrieked, flailed, and finally fell into helpless laughter.

Klaus was grinning like an idiot, and immediately resumed his poking mission, but without Diego’s resistance, it was much more effective. Diego turned red, giggles giving way outright cackling. Klaus was right, he was pretty serious most of the time. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed like this. It almost felt… nice.

Then his damn family had to go ruin everything by joining in.

“YOU FUCKING –” was all he managed before he was completely overwhelmed – Klaus was scribbling furiously over his ribs, digging in between the bones; Allison was relentless on his stomach, even sneaking a finger or two into his navel to make him scream; Luther leaned forward to curl his big stupid ape fingers around Diego’s ears; even Vanya snuck a hand back to tickle his knees. Diego was _dying,_ he was certain of it, he was going to _fucking die._ All that work to stop the apocalypse for nothing. Death by sibling tickle torture.

Just when he thought he was going to cry or pass out or kill them all or _something,_ he heard Vanya say, “We’re here!” and the car pulled to a stop.

Immediately, Diego was out of his seat and launching himself over Allison’s knees to scramble out of the car, ending up with a face full of Arizona dirt. He was only dimly aware of his evil siblings cracking up in the car behind him as he tried to catch his breath, wheezing, trying to rid his system of the residual giggles.

“You okay?”

He looked up to see the last sibling he’d expect standing over his shoulder – Five, with an outstretched hand and a smirk on his face, still clutching his oversized book. Diego flushed, accepting the peace offering and staggering to his feet.

“Thanks for not joining in.”

Five shrugged. “They’re children. They’ll grow out of it.”

Diego scratched at the back of his neck. “Yeah, well, I hope so.”

Before he could say anymore, Five’s smirk grew into a genuine smile, and fingers were jabbing into his sides from the back. He squealed, spinning to see Klaus with a shit-eating grin and outstretched hands. Furious, he turned back, but Five was gone, already on the steps of the visitor’s center. Klaus took off after him, running for his life, and the rest of Diego’s siblings were close behind.

Diego growled, but he couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he started running too. “I’m gonna get you assholes!”

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: spritewrites


End file.
